Title: A Moment In Correspondence
Rating: Soft R
A/N: Written for the Canis Major Dictionary Drabble: "Bereave," 100-500 words. Word count: 500. Spoilers for OotP.
Remus came for a visit again today. I think he's caught on. When he asked why the Order hadn't heard from me in three days, I told him Hedwig had been busy with other letters. Which was true, of course, but I'm sure he knows the rest of it: I just want the company so much.
And it makes sense that he knows it, since it's always him that comes to visit me, not Moody or Tonks or any of the rest.
We talk, you know. About you. At first there was a lot of not-talking, where both of us were afraid to say your name out loud. (Look, you've become the next Voldemort.) But now we can't stop talking about you, when we're together. He's got so many stories from Hogwarts about the four of you.
I wish I had more stories I could tell him back. And that one about us, upstairs at your house last summer... well, I'm not ready to tell anyone about that yet.
But I miss you so much. I don't know if that memory makes it better or worse sometimes. I think about the way your mouth looked, and how you ran your fingers over my chin and laughed that I'd be shaving soon, and how you looked at me standing there without my shirt and you started to say it, I knew exactly what you were going to say, you were going to say that I looked more and more like my father every day-- and you stopped yourself from saying it, because you knew, you knew that I didn't want to hear you talk about my dad just then.
And you didn't either, all of a sudden. Yeah, I saw it.
I think about your hands and your mouth and how they felt on me. About what you looked like and smelled like and how your hair kept falling down in front of your face so that when I did manage to see your eyes it was like finally getting to see the stars after months of cloudy nights.
I think about us lying together in that bed that was too narrow, knowing the door was spelled against anyone coming in and how I wanted us never to leave that room.
On an up note-- and I'm trying to have more of those, for you, Sirius, really, I'm trying-- Dumbledore's going to have the next meeting of the Order in the Dursley's basement. So I can be there--at last!-- without leaving the protection of the house.
I'll send this off now. I still haven't told anyone what I'm doing. Still afraid they'll give me one of those looks of pity: poor Harry, writing letters to a dead man. But they don't know what I know.
That when I tell Hedwig, "Take this to Sirius, " she always goes, without question... and always comes back without the letters.
I will see you again.