Behind the cut below is my end-of-year bit of sharing with the lj crowd. It's not fic; I have this practice of saving really funny quotes that show up on my flist (or maybe in peripheral links) and pasting them into this one text file. I don't usually bother to document who said them, so, what follows is a trove of funny quotes (sorta my own personal metaquotes), OR you could also look at it as a treasure hunt to see if you recognize anything as yours.
Happy New Year, you guys! You never fail to make me feel good.
One of my favorite customer lines: "I should get a discount, because I'm an artist." Yes, people actually say this. Regularly. As though all the other people in the store are just stocking up on cadmium red because they're slowly poisoning their girlfriend's ferret.
Okay, so I do have to agree this relationship is practically canon and all. But practically doesn’t mean really canon. There is no published scene sanctioned by JKR herself that says, and then Harry knocked at the door (has to be Harry; the books are his POV) so Sirius and his nekkid backside crawled out of Remus's bed and went to the door and said "Harry, do you mind? As you can see, I have this here boner and was just about to put it to good use in some orifice of Remus's, and as you can see as well, he's lying there looking eager, so scat, would you?"
Though, that would be entertaining, I suppose.
But anyway, it's not really canon. It's just implicit to the mind willing to see it there.
Plus, Sirius is dead.
None of this means I'm not willing to use the relationship as backstory.
Besides, as evidenced above, I can't write Sirius for shit.
first they came for bert and ernie
and i said nothing because i was not a muppet
then they came for tinky winky
and i said nothing because i was not a teletubby
then they came for spongebob and patrick
and i said nothing because i was not an asexual cartoon sea creature
and now i'm just wondering who'll be the next target of the
righteous conservative wrath against imaginary creatures
Fuck you, LJ. Fuck you without your consent with a really long whip, until your cries for help become strangled gasps of pleasure and you shoot your thick cum all over the wee face of the underaged boychild who's sucking your mammoth, pulsating dick, his face flushed like the ass of your sister, who's being tentacle-spanked by her part-man, part-dolphin dominatrix lover while you look on and cry, and cry.
Holy fucking god I think I just squeed my pants.
Stu: "Why is there a dead Mexican on our couch?"
Sushi: "It's my serape. See?" *unfurls serape*wraps up, 'cause she's cold*
Stu: *gapes* "You defiled the corpse!"
Dad: You have a boy friend in New York?! The one who sent you all those books? AT LAST!! I'll FINALLY have GRANDCHILDREN!!
Me: *rolls eyes* Dad, he's gay.
Dad: I'll have GAY grandchildren!!
Thanks, but I have bags of sanity. TOO MUCH sanity is what's causing problems in my imperfect human existence.
What I need right now is insanity. Bags of it. I want to decorate my garden with it, wear it indiscriminately to work and hug it like a soft cushion when I go to sleep. I don't want anything too crazy, because I don't want to overdose on it, but, I want lots of nice, plain noodles of insanity. Do you have anything like that?
Seriously, this is why I love and adore fandom.
A Lesson In Personal Grooming
1. Acquire new baggy denim shorts. Assess leghair situation. Hair 1 Fashion 0.
2. Retrieve wax from bathroom. Assess amount. Retrieve another bottle. Decide two halves make a whole.
3. Place bottles in microwave, heat.
4. Go to retrieve cotton strips from bathroom. Assess new haircut in mirror.
5. Realise microwave has been going for longer than recommended 30 seconds. Attempt to open microwave. Door stuck with overflowing wax.
6. Stare in horror.
7. Wish had superspeed to clean mess up before solidifies.
8. Wish just had a pet Bart Allen.
9. Realise time is of the essence. Wrench open door, grab towels, attempt to clean.
10. Come to realisation the wax will never, ever come off. Try solvents. Try toner. Try all cleaning products in house.
11. Knock over bottle of surgical spirit. Yell.
12. Grumpily put all products away and attempt to clear up as much as possible.
13. Look forlornly at new shorts. Decide to move onto backup plan B: razor.
14. Find razors. Do not find foam. Use soap. Eleven thousandth time to say: must sort out bathroom.
15. Shove leg in sink and commence to shave.
16. Think about boys shaving, and how they learn. Think about boys and their fathers. Think about fictional characters with Daddy Issues. Wonder if Bruce or Alfred taught Dick to shave.
16a. Realise most favourite characters have Daddy Issues. Wonder if this is due to some quirk of own personality or if their Issues just make them more slashable.
16b. Scrape most skin of ankle off with razor due to wandering mind.
16c. Stare in fascination at the BRIGHT RED BLOOD in the water.
17. Say OW, cos it stings.
18. Continue, paying more attention. Inexplicably, do it again. Swear.
19. Finish. Stand on white bathroom mat and drip blood all over it. Swear.
20. Look for sticking plasters. Find back-up packet of wax. Swear.
21. Moisturise. Stare at the blood, which refuses to coagulate. Realise plasters will not adhere to moisturised skin.
22. Open laptop. Make bloody fingerprint. Swear. Tell LJ about it.
23. Make decision that if it rains tomorrow and the baggy shorts are a no-go, someone will die.
ETA24. Realise that have never read being-taught-to-shave fic. Realise there's a BIG GAPING HOLE in HP fanon, especially.
25. Throw it out there as a challenge to you all.
He does not eat Hunan chicken but makes the best french fries outside of the Dutch Eating Place in Philadelphia, which makes the actual best french fries in the world. The tragedy of this is that the best hamburger in the world is made several hours away in Boston, at the Purple Shamrock Pub, and if you tried to combine the two at least one of them would end up cold.
"That's what always bothered me about the Gundam Wing fandom...those awful number things!
I'd read something like:
'WARNING! This fic contains 1+2, 4x5, 3+R-2/4^Z, and 2+12!'
And I'd be like 'HOLY CRAP, ALGEBRA!'
My 9 year old, upon receiving pizza for supper: "My precioussssss"
Two minutes later, on realizing the sauce is really quite spicy: "It burnssss ussss."
The rules are:
You are not allowed to say 'But I can't draw!' because no one can.
You draw one clue. You can reject the first and draw another, but if you reject that, you have to eat a bean. Only melpemone ate a bean. She got a boogie flavoured bean. Other flavours were vomit and earth worm. No one else ate any beans that weekend, I suspect, although I put them on the table with all the other sweets we'd purchased for the con, but I think people were too smart. Dammit.
The person who first guesses gets next go.
If you've already had one go, you can nominate someone else who hasn't yet done it.
That's all. There are no winners or losers and everyone gets a chance to draw 'Mulder gets an anal probe' or 'Harry Potter wakes up and realises that the whole wizarding world is nothing but a dream'.
erilyn and I had made up the things people had to draw some six months earlier, so we'd long forgotten the clues. This meant we also had absolutely no idea what people were drawing.
I think my favourite of the day was the attempt at drawing 'Golem goes under cover in a gay bar'. Who drew that one? "It's a chicken! It's a chicken! A chicken gets an anal probe! A chicken goes to church! A chicken gets an anal probe in a church then goes to bed!" We got there eventually. Who knew that the golem would look so much like a chicken?
Oh, another one was 'So and so are forced to fuck by aliens', and the whole 'forced to fuck by aliens' thing became an ongoing theme of the get together. Every damned thing would come back to 'forced to fuck by aliens'. Now that should be on an LJ icon.
Plus ass babies. We tried to get ass babies into every possible conversation. Or arse babies, to be more accurate.
heard on the way to class this morning:
Kid 1: "You're stupid."
Kid 2: "You're stupider."
Kid 1: "You're stupid times 2π."
Kid 2: "You're stupid times 3 infinity!"
Kid 1: "3 infinity? are you HIGH?"
I attempted no discipline, because i had to lean on the rail to laugh at this point.
Dubya is on the BBC news, behind Tony Blair. I am taking great joy in squishing his head.
Stu: "Oh, for fuck's sake. I am not arguing philosophy with you. For one thing, it's midnight. For another, you're a nine-week-old kitten!"
if there are no boys in period costume, the terrorists will have won!
Tom Riddle's family is white trash! Hahahahaha! I kept waiting for Gaunt to smack Merope and yell "Shut up bitch! Go fix me a turkey pot pie!"
Note from amanuensis1: This remains my favorite review quote to come out of Half-Blood Prince
Yaoi has all the attractions that lesbianism has for men, except without exposing the unfortunate reality that most gay sex probably looks more like two bears fighting over garbage behind a KFC.
MOONCALF: So, anyway, I temporarily stopped reading Cryptonomicon to read Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, which is kind of like temporarily stopping the development of a brand-new religion in order to wiggle a hot dog around and make 'brm' noises.
This Is Just To Say
I have killed
who was in
and whose death
you were probably
for book seven
he had it coming
and so old
The Commandments of Coyote.
I. Thou Shalt Have As Many Gods and Spirits and Personal Trainers and Gurus As You Like Before Me, But You Shalt Not Let Them Block the Exits, and More, You Shall Not Permit Them To Take the Last Beer, For That Beer Is Mine. Seriously. Don't.
II. Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor's Wife, But Thou Art Totally Welcome To Admire Her Ass When She Walks By, and If It Happens To Come Out That They Are In An Open Relationship, Dude, Tap That Ass As Much As They Are Willing To Allow. Same Goes For the Ladies. Coveting Is Sort Of Stupid, But Sex Is Just Plain Fun, Unless Thou Art Doing It Entirely Wrong.
III. If Thy Neighbor Says 'Hands Off My Wife, Dude', Thou Shalt Listen and Back Off, Because Otherwise, Thy Neighbor Will Be Totally Justified In Hitting You About the Head and Shoulders With Gardening Tools, and Don't Think That I'm Going To Step In There and Stop Him.
IV. Adultery Is Actually Pretty Fun. Commit It All You Like. Just Make Sure Everyone Is Cool With It, Or I Will Not Help You Out Once the Hitting Gets Started.
V. Thou Shalt Not Eat Poisoned Bait. If You Do, Don't Come Whining To Me About It, Because I Am Very Unlikely To Care. Once It Is In Your Mouth, It Is Your Problem, Not Mine.
VI. Of Course Thou Shalt Kill. Carnivores Do That. Also, Swatting Mosquitoes, Sort Of Instinctive. But All Creatures Are Alive Before You Kill Them, and So Thou Shalt Respect Them In Their Lives and In Their Deaths. Thou Shalt Not Kill Without Reason. Thy Neighbor Tapping Thy Wife's Ass? Is Not A Reason. Don't Make Me Set A Plague Upon Thy Ass. Thou Wouldst Not Enjoy It, I Promise.
VII. Thou Shalt Not Hoard. Seriously, Here. If You Have Enough, Share. Only Asshats Bogart Life.
VIII. Thou Shalt Not Be A Martyr. If You Have One Beer, Drink It. Do Not Give It To Me and Then Expect Adoration. Dude, That Was Your Beer, I Did Not Break Your Arm To Get It. Give What You Can Give, and Expect Neither Praise Nor Worship. You Are Not Being Morally Superior, You Are Being A Decent Human Being. There Is A Difference.
VIV. Assume This Is It. Maybe There Is Reincarnation; Maybe Not. Not Only Am I Not Saying, Please Consider the Fact That I Probably Get A Say In Whether You Come Back, and If You Are the Sort Of Person Who Doesn't Do Anything With One Life, Why Should I Waste My Time Giving You Another One? Live Like You Get No Second Chances. You Will Have More Fun.
X. Are You Going To Eat That?
The second question deals with laptop purchasing, by which I mean my Dell is two and half years old and unlike svmadelyn my interactions with computers generally go as follows:
ME: (acquires new computer) Wow! This is a beauty!
ME: (touches it) Cool!
COMPUTER: (commits suicide)
Someone out on the street just shouted 'give me the conch, Piggy!'.
(re: A Sound of Thunder) The Queen is on the phone to Sir Ben Kingsley. She wants the knighthood back.
I know nothing of You Got Served, but QotD (Queen of the Damned) is the Worst Movie in Modern Theatrical Release title holder..
As I said walking out of the thing: "If I have to watch a movie this bad, I want Sleestacks."
I WOULD LIKE TO ANNOUNCE THAT IT IS 10:30 AND SVU IS NOT SUCKING YET.
ETA 10:42 : CANCEL THAT.
ETA 11:08 : AAAAND RIGHT BACK TO SUCKING FOR SVU.
Okay so, there's this huge long slap-fight on seagoth about underage sex, drinking & clubbing. That's not the important. (Well neither is this journal entry, but) I giggled my ass off at the unintended double-entendre in this statement:
FUCKING KIDS IS WRONG.
Really there's not a lot of wiggle room there.
Oh please people. Stop groaning.
1. You knew I was a pervert when you signed on.
2. You laughed too.
I like your Christ, but I do not like your Christians; they are so unlike your Christ. - Gandhi
Democrats are concerned about providing hand-outs to cronies and core voting groups. Republicans are concerned about providing hand-outs to cronies and core voting groups. As someone who is neither a crony nor a member of a core voting group (no one loves the single, white, childless female), I get screwed over by both parties, but the Democrats at least bring some lube. - The Misanthropic Bitch
OMG THIS PAGE DOSEN'T EXIST YET OMG INTRUDER!!!
Death Eaters have been sent to your house to punish accordingly.
And not the hot ones either. Those stay at my house.
(*Over-the-counter, please. I've never done an illegal drug in my life, nor do I see the need to start due to a little back pain. Life is weird enough without having to try figuring out whether or not the lobsters on the train are real.)
Trent: ohh, i saw brokeback mountain last night
Ngamer: pretty good?
Come: I hear Ebert gave it 1 thumb up and a reacharound.
Kwote of teh NITE from yesterday: "Aldous Huxley, what are you doing in my bra?"
(a review of V for Vendetta)
Was particularly amused by the fact that whenever the movie's "this has been very obviously made by an American studio" slip started showing through the ballgown, they'd trot out some guy with bad teeth to say "bollocks" a lot.
Last week, I--a mere American--sampled the entire selection of a Finnish licorice pick-a-mix bag of candy. The little deceptively M&M-like round ones, with their jolly innocence-emitting pink candy shell of LIES, were like being powerblasted with radioactive salty Pine-Sol right up the sinuses...but it had an oddly pleasant refreshing aftertaste. Once I stopped sobbing.
I have been forbidden from reviewing CARS, but I am allowed to tell you that I have seen it and yes, I did like it. I really liked it a lot. If I say any more, Walt Disney himself will bust open my hotel room door and his disembodied head, floating in a jar filled with a mixture embryonic fluid and Mountain Dew, will tell his robotic limbs to tear me apart. I can't have that. I hope you understand.
The best way I can find to describe it is like seeing a puppy dressed up in a Nazi uniform. My higher brain functions are all 'this is wrong' but everything else is just 'OMGSQUEE!'.
this freakin' fic is over 56,000 words long and no one's put their penis anywhere good yet. but they will. very soon.
Guy #1: I'd totally hit that.
Guy #2: Dude, I'd hit that so hard whoever could pull me out would become the King of England.
He's so far inside the closet, he's in Narnia.
(from a fic summary) Hermione opens a 'cathouse' in Hogsmeade. She doesn't normally sleep with the clients, but makes an exception for Severus. What happens when she becomes pregnant?
Fuckit - why do I ever worry that I may have made a character just slightly OOC????? -shocolate
"Cereal! I love cereal!"
"I love cereal, too!"
"I love cereal so much I could hug it."
"Yes, but cereal is not so huggable."
"Because it is in boxes."
"And has no arms."
"But I must hug!"
"I must hug, too!"
"Maybe we could hug each other!"
"Ah, yes! Let's hug each other because we love cereal."
Disclaimer: The Mouse owns Will, Elizabeth and the Black Pearl; no one owns Captain Jack Sparrow.
Can you believe there's only about 10 weeks left until Halloween? Ya know, the best holiday ever?? Me and my sister are already planning on going to the yearly Mansfield Prison hauntings tour. Because, ya know, I like having to sleep with my lights on for the entire month of November. My electric company likes it, too.
I Was Until You Told That Story
Teen girl: So somehow we all ended up in our underwear, then Katie suggested Truth or Dare. That was weird. I had to give her a lap dance, and Sarah had to lick my tits, and freaky stuff like that. It was more like some lesbian orgy than a sleepover.
Teen guy: That sounds... so hot.
Teen girl: Oh my God, I thought you were gay!
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychology has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to prefer a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a live bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire. Further studies in this area have been cancelled.
Holly wanted to swim with dolphins but we were put off by the dolphin place's menu of dolphin experiences, complete with pricing:
Stand and look at the dolphins: $50
Get in the water with the dolphins: $100
Swim with the dolphins: $150
Pet and stroke the dolphins: $200
Kiss and hug the dolphins: $250
The menu cut off before we got to find out how much it costs to take a dolphin out to a nice dinner, buy it flowers, and see where the evening takes you, but you can imagine there's a menu somewhere for that.
If you come to the ER with a chief complaint of "I got bumps on my dick" I will have to look at your penis. This does not mean I'm "some kind of gayrod" and your comments are definitely not appreciated.
Christ on a cracker. I like the occasional toke as much as the next person, but there is a big difference between being a sometimes stoner and that stoner. You know the one. Everyone has that friend of a friend who's entire life revolves around weed, where to get it, and how best to smoke it.
Repeat after me, boys and girls.
~There is more to life than getting stoned.
~I do not sound smarter when I am baked.
~No one cares about the "revelation" I scribbled on a napkin last night after eating those special brownies.
~Sleeping for 14 hours straight and not showering for a week is not cool.
~I am never going to get laid if I fall asleep right in the middle of it.
~Unless I change my ways, I will turn into that homeless moocher friend everyone has who goes from one friend's apartment to the other, "crashing" for weeks on end, until I am told to get out and I leave, stealing the VCR to sell for reefer. Unless this has already happened.
Jason Jones, on the gay marriage amendments on state ballots not being enough to swing the vote towards the GOP: "Republican strategists didn't count on the President being less popular than gay marriage. Apparently the prospect of continued GOP control of Congress is even scarier than the thought of two men humping in your neighborhood."
Jon: "Who is affected in these seven states, with the ban?"
Jason: "Well, it's actually a defense of marriage initiative, Jon. It says to homosexuals wishing to spend their lives in a happy, committed relationship, marriage doesn't apply to you. But, if you're in a loveless heterosexual marriage, don't worry! Doesn't affect you. Or for that matter, arranged marriages, third marriages, Russian brides, abusive alcoholic co-dependents locked in a cycle of violence and despair -- that's still covered. Or if you're a repressed homosexual who managed to squeeze three kids out of your wife only by mentally airbrushing Pierce Brosnan's asscrack on her lips, fear not. Marriage remains the same sacred institution you've always been trapped in."
I have finally watched Doctor Who, and you are all fired for not telling me about this two years ago. Well, okay, about eight of you did, but no one came and sat on me and said, “Light, honey, this will make the top of your head fly off with joy, sit still and watch it.” And whose fault is that, hmm?
OK, so Iggy Pop looks like 50 miles of bad road, but Keith Richards looks like we need to go find the egg he hid
his death in.
Hipster girl: On the train into the city this morning, I sat on a baby and almost crushed it.
Metal guy: There is no internet acronym for how funny that is.
cathy: do you think if I go to bed now, my fic will have magically written itself by the time I wake up?
cosmic: you could leave the computer open and Molly could write it?
cathy: nah, if I do that, she'd write a 500,000-word John/Dean fic.
cosmic: AHAHAHAH. your kitty is a bit kinky, isn't she?
cathy: well, she does lick her own butt.
cosmic: are you now claiming that all John/Dean epics are written by cats or that all John/Dean epics are written by their-own-butt-lickers?