Title: Don't Call It The Little Cherub Either
Rating: R for implications
Category/Warnings: Humor; cursing, imperiled genitalia (but in a humorous way)
Summary: Some villains have the kinkiest superhero traps.
Word Count: ~1,000
A/N: From a prompt by purely_distel--a little bit of a twist on what you'd asked for, but, hope you still enjoy it!
Posted on AO3
"Have to say, Barton, I was expecting to find you in a diaper instead."
"Nat!...Holy fuck, you're naked."
"I seem to be in good company. Hold still."
"What do you think I've been doing? Watch the edges, watch the edges, Jesus!"
"If I get this box open, I'm not going to find chocolate inside, am I?"
"I was actually hoping there was. Maybe it'd melt and lube things up a little and let me get free."
"That wouldn't help the ropes, though, would it."
"Natasha, when a goddamn maniac gasses your team and you wake up suspended butt-naked and spreadeagled with your junk trapped in a heart-shaped gloryhole, the ropes are the last thing you're worrying about. I'll explain it to you sometime."
"And the box is pink, and even has an arrow running through it, aww."
"The shaft of which is sitting at a perfect right angle to keep my worldly goods from slipping out of this fucker, don't think I haven't been amazingly aware of that."
"Hang on. I see where it's sealed."
"A knife. Oh, dear God, Nat, you are not about to use a knife near my pride and joy."
"You'd rather I slice the ropes on your wrists and ankles first? That'll leave exactly one point of suspension and I guarantee you won't like that at all. Don't be such a baby. And don't move."
"Careful, careful, careful...!"
"Hush. You'll ruin my concentration. Close your eyes. Sing something."
"Nuh-uh. When my voice suddenly goes soprano I'll have a heart attack."
"Would I let that happen? Even if it would make for some lovely duets on karaoke night. Okay, stay very still--this is going to be the tricky part--"
"You're okay, look, you're fine, fly and be free, little hawk."
"You never call it that again. Never. Oh, my God."
"Oh, sweet Christ, hello, sweethearts, there you are, love you so much. Get me the rest of the way out of this, Tasha, I gotta find the fucker who dreams up shit like this."
"On it. Trust me, I want a shot myself."
"You're my angel, you know that."
"Oh, so now you're glad I've got a knife, are you?"
"At least I've got a great view when you bend down to do that. How come you're naked too?"
"Whoever's behind this, he's got a sick fetish for naked Avengers in costume-appropriate traps."
"What'd he do, put you in an hourglass?"
"Uh-uh. Spreadeagled naked like you, but in a web."
"Yes, well, don't ever ask to act that one out in the bedroom, that's your first and last warning."
"Wouldn't dare, promise. How'd you get free?"
"Psssh. As if that was anything to compare with the time Spider-Man tried to stick me to the ceiling of the MOMA."
"You ended up naked that time too."
"That was in the escaping, don't confuse the two. Here, take a grip so you don't drop, I'll get this wrist."
"So I made short work of that stupid trap. Then I came to find the rest of us."
"What, you mean you didn't rush to my rescue first?"
"I took 'em as I found 'em. Equally disturbing, too. Steve's shield was the only thing saving his modesty--"
"Fat whoop, it isn't as if anyone could cut a hole in vibranium--"
"The shield was slowly being heated."
"Oh, fuck, Tasha, you can't just say something like that without warning me, Christ!"
"Sorry you complained?"
"Don't look so sweet when you say that. Yes, I take it all back."
"He's fine. A little pink. Steve'll throw it off fast."
"I'm going to shed sympathetic tears all the same and I don't care if you tease me. Do I want to know about the others?"
"I found Bruce sealed into this skin-tight glass vest that will break if he Hulks out, and if it does break it triggers a pulse that interrupts the wiring on Tony's reactor."
"Fuck. How'd you get them out of that?"
"I didn't. The present tense didn't tell you? Watch your wrist."
"Thor's in there with them right now, defusing the thing according to Bruce's instructions."
"Mm-hm. Also naked, in case you were wondering."
"You left Thor to do the defusing and came to find me?"
"Don't be vain, dearheart. Thor will do perfectly well at it, you know Bruce could talk him through brain surgery if he had to."
"Naked brain surgery, there's an image."
"Naked's nothing new to Bruce. It's familiar territory to Tony, too, you have to admit. Last bit, there we go--"
"Really, Clint, darling, are you just going to lie there all day?"
"From angel to witch in a heartbeat. Dammit, this bastard could have left me my bow if he was trying to complete the Cupid effect."
"You look formidable just as you are."
"That's the kind of thing a naked man loves to hear."
"Here, take this blasted arrow. I'll bet you can find something to do with it even without a bow."
"Bet you're right. Hey, you didn't tell me what he did to Thor."
"You really, really don't want to know where he put the fake hammer."
"Are you kidding me? Of course I want to know!"
"I'll let Thor tell you himself, it's funnier. Are we going villain-hunting with Steve or should we help get Bruce to Hulk mode faster?"
"...Following the Hulk is pretty direct, I have to say."
"Which is why Steve should have a little backup. You go. Be sure to put that arrow somewhere painful. I'll go watch Thor get his Mission: Impossible on."
"You're so good to me. Thanks for saving my babies."
"I'm kind of fond of them myself."
"Lucky, lucky me. Lead the way."
"No, you go first; the corridor goes straight for a few hundred feet before we separate."
"...are you seriously looking for an excuse to watch my ass as I run?"
"Have to admit, Barton, I'm glad it wasn't a diaper."
This entry was also posted at http://amanuensis1.dreamwidth.org/293077.html. Feel free to comment at either location.